But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. Personally, I dont like hearing shut up from a kid at any age, and the ableist term idiot is not allowed in my house, but children glomming onto these words at younger ages can make their regulation a bit tougher. Uh, No Thanks. Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. (Questions may be edited for publication.). All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. content language. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. Dear Care and. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? Photo illustration by Slate. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. I Despise My In-Laws. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Dear Care and. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. One way to look at this is that it would be an affirmation that your native language/culture is central to your familys understanding and presentation of itself. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. New ones are published almost daily. I am currently 23. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. It will be! I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. Photo illustration by Slate. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? At the beginning . Your baby is HUGE! And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. Its anonymous! How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I Despise My In-Laws. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. They live. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. 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